I guess I am a college graduate...

...and this is my last post about college. (Sorry it is so negative, but I am not going to lie. That would be pointless.)

I think you all know what college is. I am not going to talk about what it means to me (I did that in my last post) and all that. I was planning on posting directly after graduation, but I couldn't do it. Would you believe why?

I was too depressed.

This makes me laugh, but it's also very true. Many people were excited to graduate. It's all I heard from my fellow seniors this year. I never once turned to a classmate and said, "Wow, I can't wait to graduate. This is awesome." For me, I'd rather just continue this way. It's easy for me. I understand the structure.

Real life doesn't have a structure, and I am not sure how to navigate something I do not know the shape of. For instance, I truly ate ice cream for breakfast and watched 13 hours of Ghost Hunters recently. Of course, that was after I slept away an entire day. I've never done that before. Just lost a whole day from memory, from my internal calendar. One Sunday just gone.

This frightens me. I feel worthless and unproductive, but until I get out of Morgantown, there really isn't anything for me to spend my time doing excpet for catching up on the hours television and sleep I've missed the past four years. And blogging.

You probably were looking for something more inspiring. I don't do inspiring unless that's how things are looking. This is the reality for me. I am stuck here, wasting my free time until I can finally get to visit my family and friends. Then, I need to get a temporary job in New York and work on getting my license and maybe start writing the book I keep telling myself I will have done in a year.

If I could choose to have any gap year(s) in the list of possibilities, I wouldn't have one. I would have gone to grad school. But I didn't want to go without a license and a car so I didn't take the GRE and it sucks. Like. I guess I have to work toward that in the next year or two.

Right now, I am just a drifter. Some of you might be like, "Stop complaining. You have virtually no responsibilities right now and you have two degrees under your belt in 4 years. You're fine. Stop freaking out." Okay, well I would love some responsibilities right now. No one is going to hire me for a month of work. I will be moving around too much to find a job right away. And you need money to start one of those sales rep jobs at Mary Kay or ItWorks or whatever. I don't have money to throw into that. I don't have money.

UGH MONEY. Truly, it is the root of all evil. If life would alllow, I would have a small shack by the shore and live off the sea and just disappear. There's still responsibility and structure in that kind of life. And time to focus on things that actually matter, like spending time with family and being healthy.

I just don't see how life will ever be as good as it was as a college student. All the access. All the independence. All the beautiful organization. My apartment.

Maybe the problem is, I've always dreamed of going to college. That excited me since I was 3 years old. But I never dreamed directly past that. I dreamed of the far future. What my kid(s) names would be, what my house would look like, the type of life I would end up with. Everything between now and then is a mystery! Maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe the near future I want just doesn't seem possible to me anymore. Or maybe I don't know what I want. I don't know. I am so confused.

And everyone keeps asking me when I will see them and what my plans are and when I am leaving Morgantown and honestly I HAVE NO IDEA. So when I tell you "I don't know, I will let you know when I do," that is sincere. I'm not going to lie and throw out a date that I will no doubt miss. I don't make promises I can't keep.

Anyway, that is my outlook on life. Seriously, the best part of graduating was getting to hug Dr. Jason Manning. I like writing his whole name out. It's sexy like he is. Lmao, I have issues. Anyway anyway, I guess where I go from here is anywhere and nowhere at all. Into the abyss!!

I wish I had more amazing things to tell you. But everything is on hold right now. I wanted to get an archaeology job, but all the ones I was qualified for listed having a driver's license as a requirement. So I can't do that right now, either.

I've looked into everything I can do productive-like. Nothing is feasible right now in these circumstances. Basically, I guess all I can do is keep on writing and playing guitar and singing and watching us all get older. 

You can keep up with my blogs at Scattered Emoceans, Wellnesses, and The Telltale Bones. Follow me on Pinterest and Twitter @amdenardo. If you have any suggestions for blog content or you want to guest post, let me know.

Also, you can check out my music on SoundCloud. I have pages to like on Facebook, if you're into that kind of thing. I have some other digital projects cooking up, so if you are a Facebook friend or you look at my blogs and pages or whatever, I'm sure they will reach you somehow.

I guess to give you anything positive, I will just say I look forward to crabbing and fishing this summer. It's all I've thought about for a while now. And seeing the wildlife in Florida. That will be nice. And maybe I can find some kind of volunteer work to be a part of. I just feel like it's important for everyone to be working to make a difference, especially right now.

Other than that, I will see you on the flip side, bitchezz. (Sorry, had to end this professionally.)

Thank you for reading this blog!
Ashley Marie DeNardo

Some Final Revelations...

It's been a rollercoaster four years here at West Virginia University. I wish I knew when I started how fast these years would fly by. More and more, I've learned to live in the present. But it's a lesson always learned too late, and those moments are already gone.

Instead of mourning the last four years just yet, I am trying to remember there is still about a month left of this amazing era of my life. I want to make these last days really count. I want to make sure I use every second to the fullest, rather than completely embrace simultaneous diseases of senioritis and graduate anxiety.

Through the stress and the unpleasant surprises, I've found strength and happiness. I've taken the worst life has had to offer me and made the best out of it. I've worked very hard to experience the best life has to offer, and it has often outweighed the bad. Most of all, Morgantown is not just where I went to college. Here, I've made a home. I've learned truly what is important to me, what I value, what I believe in, and I work to live up to my own expectations every single day.

The more time I spend here, the more I look around at my own expressive imprint, the more I love the person cultivated in me by my family, my friends, my professors, and even my enemies, which I am proud to say are few. I am not the sole spirit responsible for this astronomic growth, not even close. The Universe has cradled me in its arms, and for that I am sincerely grateful.

My family; without whom there are times I may not have had the strength to wake up the next day. My friends; they have never failed to remind me to smile in the face of darkness, to have fun in the face of weekends otherwise doomed to homework. My professors; many do not know my name, but those who took the time to learn it have helped me immensely, always teaching me more than just the course material. I find more value in the implications of course material and in the life lessons learned by watching good people.

My enemies; they consist of ex-co-workers and ex-best friends. They consist of people I have fond memories of, and I don't like to think of them as enemies. They are only people, and I am only a person, and together we make many mistakes. It is unfortunate when these mistakes tangle in an irreversible way that causes the wires to snap, collapsing bridges and crushing opportunities. But each destructive collapse was its own opportunity, and I hope the other half has grown from these experiences as much as I have.

Then, there are the people I see every day who may not even know I am paying attention. You are nameless to me, but you have identities. You are all part of the culture here. Your existence impacts others, or at least my observant eyes. You matter every day. The smile as you pass by a stranger can mean more than you'll ever know.

I'm going to miss the quirky things I notice as I walk about campus. I'm going to miss learning and being a part of something so much bigger than myself, through countless jobs and extracurricular activities. Much of my time here, I spent it with few friends. I am fortunate to have the ones I do, and I am focusing on finding the youthful side of myself again, the side that isn't so serious and can ditch homework to drive down winding roads with looming trees on both sides that lead both to nowhere and everywhere. To experience ultimate freedom.

I will miss my apartment. My safehaven. These walls have heard every laugh and sob, seen every smile and wide-eyed look of disbelief, felt every nervous ripple and contented deep breath. Little things like all my beer glasses above the cupboards or decorating with the changing seasons...I truly express myself through my home life, from decorating to cooking to even the mess that occurs when I am feeling chaotic. This apartment is an organism that reflects my every emotion. I'm going to miss the freedom there is in having things that are completely mine. I can't wait to get to that point again. It has been my most-treasured part of being away from home.

On my own, I have learned the value of health. I am a healthy eater, a pescatarian, a gym rat. I want to improve upon my body, mind and soul. This healthy lifestyle would have gone unlearned had I not come to Morgantown and left the confines of Williamson. This healthy lifestyle has cured my depression as much as is naturally possible. Do I still have a bad day once in a while? Of course. But I no longer feel that general sense of restless desperation. And counseling at WVU's Carruth Center has helped me more than I can explain here. Having someone else to hear what is deep inside my thoughts and be able to explain to me whether or not I am being rational and give me solutions to the irrational ones has been invaluable.

I'm going to be completely honest: I AM TERRIFIED OF LEAVING. A huge part of me does not want this to be the end. If I could afford it, I would be a student here for much longer than four years. But there's the other side of me. It's the naturally curious side, the side that is definitely the reason I chose two investigative disciplines to major in. It yearns for more every day. To see higher mountain peaks and lower valleys. To experience warmer climes and softer beaches. To endure through different storms and turbulence as I travel life's mysterious currents.

West Virginia University. Morgantown. Beautiful. Wild. Wonderful. This is where I belonged. I know I made the right decisions. The community here is the biggest thing that attracted me. There is so much spirit and meaning in being a Mountaineer. It truly is a family. But being a Mountaineer also means another thing: climbing every mountain and reaching every peak. Being a Mountaineer prepares you to live up to that. In always searching for truth, for growth, for more, Mountaineers are always free.

Montani Semper Liberi,
Ashley DeNardo

P.S. There will only be one more post on this blog. It will be after graduation, just to update you on how classes went this semester, some notable experiences, and to say goodbye. Or, rather, see you on another blog! Thank you for reading. I love you all.

Trying to be positive but...

...I had a realization just now. I could probably go weeks here without anyone besides family contacting me. Unless someone needs something from me. But as far as hanging out or something, there's no one. And everyone had fun out in the snow tonight, and I had no idea anything was even going on. I want to be okay being alone, but being this alone just completely sucks. I want to have fun once in a while. I want to do crazy things with fun people. I want to sled down the streets of Morgantown. I've literally never gone sledding here, and I've always wanted to. If I go alone, I feel like a weirdo. I don't know how to meet new people. So, it's just me. And I'm trying to be positive about it. But tonight I just feel isolated and my feet are itching.

That's all. Just felt like venting.

Winter Break, and other adventures

Despite my subconscious doubts about going home for the entire break, I had a really good time. I got to see my three best friends in the world, and I spent a lot of time with my little brothers and my mom.

Kelsey's mom is awesome.
She gave me a great birthday get-together.

Joe & my goddaughter Zoey being super cute!

Willie was Batman.....
And I joked saying I was FATman.
At Target, of course.

My mom and I went out
for a nice birthday dinner :)

Of course, the same Ashley, Kelsey
and Chester since we were like 12.

My OCD kicked in while I was hanging out with Adam.

Sadie and I (at Target) found
a Pez, unopened, without a Pez dispenser
inside!

Both my brothers just keep growing up. I wish they would stop! Being away from them for four years has been tough, but I love that I when I see them again, the only thing that is different between us is the time.

The yard at the new house.

Since we moved into a new house, everyone seems a bit happier.

There's always a need for more happiness, but it's getting better, and that counts for something. I didn't really do anything of note during my break, but I changed a lot in my thinking about what it will be like to temporarily move back home. It was hard coming back to WVU for this semester because it was the first time I didn't really have anything to run from. Mostly because I just don't let that shit phase me anymore.

When my mom and Joe took me back to Morgantown, I bought my 16-year-old brother a frickin' tattoo. Yeah, it's insane. It looks great, though:

Joe and his new tat!

Coming back, it was hard to get into the groove again. I think I've made it, though. I am taking 20 credits this semester. The first class I had this semester was also the first class I have ever had on the Evansdale campus. I was so worried about making it on time. I didn't have any problems with the PRT, and the new Evansdale Crossing building is awesome - but I will get more in-depth with that later.

Weee, a PRT ride:

The first class was Social Media Journalism. Two people I used to work with at the DA are in that class, and honestly I wish I didn't have to see them every Monday and Wednesday. I know I am better off than I was, and everything truly does happen for a reason, but I'm one of those people who likes to have the last word. Lately, I've been foregoing last words and just cutting people out completely when I see they are fake or toxic. I suggest it to anyone reading this.

Social Media Journalism is a pretty good class. The professor is one of the most neutral I've had in the J-school, which I appreciate. I think it is important for professors to be that way so no one feels too outcast to speak up. He said the title of my blog for that class was his favorite - The Telltale Bones. I'm managing this blog about forensic anthropology for the semester, but I think I will keep it for a while after that. It seems pretty easy and natural for me because I've had my hand in quite a few blogs starting at 12 years old. Obviously there's always room for improvement. The real test for me will be our group assignments, which are always a challenge.

After that class, I had Colonial Africa & Independence, which I am taking for my history minor. My friend Irina is in that class, and we had a pretty hilarious experience during the first week. This blonde bimbo storms through the closed classroom door in Woodburn Hall and she doesn't even wait for a break in the professor's lecture before saying, in a complete stereotypical Barbie-girl voice, "Excuse me, sorry, but did anyone see my pink Michael Kors purse?" I couldn't hold my laughter in. As soon as I looked at my friend, I lost it. I still LOL when I think about it. It was just so perfectly rude, and she was so oblivious of how rude she was being. I think it's a good story to illuminate the entitled youth in this country - but that's for another time.

That class is okay. The professor is old, so he still uses a projector thing with paper note sheets, and he doesn't use eCampus. I like it, though. It makes me feel like I am in actual college, back when it used to be hard and mean something. The content is a little dry, though, and I am not good at remembering dates and names. I'm more of a whole picture kind of person.

So then, I had my SOCA capstone, Anthropological Thought, with Renfrew. It's okay. I don't know. I feel like the guy hasn't really said anything when he's talked. I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with a topic for my term paper, but I'm sure something will hit me.

Tuesdays, I only have one class. It's like Medieval History of Europe or something. It's cool. Westley, the associate A&E editor who worked with me at the DA is in that class. We said "Hi" the first day. He's the only person I miss from the DA. I apologized to him when I left because I actually cared about his feelings. I wish we could be friends, but it's too late.

Thursdays, I have that class and then I have my journalism capstone - Multimedia News Publication. There are people from the DA and U92 in that class, but no one that I feel super uncomfortable around. My team is good, so that's all that matters. We have to do three packages throughout the semester. I think it will turn out alright. When I'm stressing over it, just remind me it all works out in the end!

Working at the Bistro is okay....I miss Joao and Nayron mostly. As soon as I came back to campus, I felt the emptiness of faraway friends. Ghosts. That's all I can really say about that.

I had to quit my other job because I'm having a hard time with all the homework and work I am already doing. I felt like if I couldn't give my absolute best, it should be open for someone else who has more time and dedication than I am willing to offer. I haven't heard back yet, so I feel like my old boss hates me, but I really couldn't stay in that position. I just feel bad about it.

So, part of the reason Winter Break was so enjoyable was the positive thinking Kelsey has been doing. She finally saw the secret, and I'd seen it a long time ago. Since I saw it, I've been trying to apply it to my life. But it wasn't until I'd seen the difference in her life that my doubts about it drifted away. I know positive thinking is powerful. I am living in it now.

I am keeping a postivitity journal in which I write down what I am grateful for and make goals every day, week, month and year. I've been working out regularly, and have been extremely conscious of what I am putting into my mouth. I haven't been perfect, I mean, I'm just starting again it feels like. But I'm doing better. I'm feeling stronger. I'm gaining confidence. And I only wish I had these things in my life at the beginning of college rather than the end. Though, I don't think I would have received these ideas well back then. My values have changed drastically, as has my attitude, outlook, everything that matters has changed.

From "The Secret: Daily Teachings"

I also bought a juicer, which has really helped me become more health-conscious and less wasteful. I really love it. I'm a juice and pulp expert!

Fresh apple juice!

Homemade loaf using honey, carrot pulp and apple pulp!

Carrot juice and said carrot pulp.

Homemade spicy tomato soup from fresh tomato juice!

Speaking of juice, let's move on to talk about the Evansdale Crossing!

The view from Evansdale Crossing.

The Evansdale Crossing has much healthier options in it, including The Juice Bar! They also have Octane, a coffee and alcoholic bar. The building is shiny, new, and totally for students. I also had The Greenhouse: An Eatwell Cafe for the first time, and I was very pleased. With meal plan, you get a sandwich or wrap pre-made or made-to-order, a side (cottage cheese and fruit is my favorite one), and a drink. I like to get Vitamin Water. It's so much healthier than the other options on campus.

The other thing you should know about the Crossing and The Greenhouse is they accept meal plan the entire time they are open. That means you can stop at Octane for a breakfast sandwich, coffee and yogurt or go to The Juice Bar for a salad or soup and a bottle of water any time during the day. There are a bunch more options on the first floor! It's just great.

I'm thinking about re-focusing my Wellnesses blog so it doesn't rely on interviews. I think I will add my positivity, workout routines and all that stuff so that the blog can really grow. Of course, when I think it is ready, I will let you know.

Supposedly, there is a snow storm this weekend. Honestly, I don't know what they're going on about, but I am from upstate NY, so I have an advantage in this area. I've got to work at 9 a.m. tomorrow, but it's good because then I will have the rest of my day to do homework or clean or, hey, blog!

Anyway, I've just kind of been spilling out everything I've experienced this semester so far.

 WAIT - I just realized I forgot something. Farria moved out...

Okay, so, she thinks I was SUPER excited about her moving out. She's half right. I mean, I missed having the place to myself. At the same time, her presence has become part of my everyday life, even when we get annoyed at each other, it's just like what we do. So, without her it's just different. And it's mostly good because I think spending too much time with another person wears out your friendship, but I also feel super lonely like I am back in freshman year. I think things like "Well, guess I don't have to clean up since no one is ever going to come here again." At the same time, maybe some loneliness is exactly what I need. I need to be okay on my own. I need to meet people without a friend to cradle me in my rejection. It's just growing up. And I need to change my attitude about what lonely even means.

The first thing I did when she left was call Adam and tell him to come visit me for a while because I had room again. But that room....ugh I think....I need to fill it but not with something so comfortable. I need to let myself experience something new instead of just tiptoeing around the untouched outskirts of my life.

And I know this is what is best for her. She needs to figure out who she is without me or anyone else. She needs to grow her own skin. Everyone deserves that.

This post is getting entirely too long, so I think I will cut myself off there. But thanks for hanging in there as long as you did. You're a good sport!

P.S. I love my new hair :P

P.P.S. This looks delicious, doesn't it? :D