I think you all know what college is. I am not going to talk about what it means to me (I did that in my last post) and all that. I was planning on posting directly after graduation, but I couldn't do it. Would you believe why?
I was too depressed.
This makes me laugh, but it's also very true. Many people were excited to graduate. It's all I heard from my fellow seniors this year. I never once turned to a classmate and said, "Wow, I can't wait to graduate. This is awesome." For me, I'd rather just continue this way. It's easy for me. I understand the structure.
Real life doesn't have a structure, and I am not sure how to navigate something I do not know the shape of. For instance, I truly ate ice cream for breakfast and watched 13 hours of Ghost Hunters recently. Of course, that was after I slept away an entire day. I've never done that before. Just lost a whole day from memory, from my internal calendar. One Sunday just gone.
This frightens me. I feel worthless and unproductive, but until I get out of Morgantown, there really isn't anything for me to spend my time doing excpet for catching up on the hours television and sleep I've missed the past four years. And blogging.
You probably were looking for something more inspiring. I don't do inspiring unless that's how things are looking. This is the reality for me. I am stuck here, wasting my free time until I can finally get to visit my family and friends. Then, I need to get a temporary job in New York and work on getting my license and maybe start writing the book I keep telling myself I will have done in a year.
If I could choose to have any gap year(s) in the list of possibilities, I wouldn't have one. I would have gone to grad school. But I didn't want to go without a license and a car so I didn't take the GRE and it sucks. Like. I guess I have to work toward that in the next year or two.
Right now, I am just a drifter. Some of you might be like, "Stop complaining. You have virtually no responsibilities right now and you have two degrees under your belt in 4 years. You're fine. Stop freaking out." Okay, well I would love some responsibilities right now. No one is going to hire me for a month of work. I will be moving around too much to find a job right away. And you need money to start one of those sales rep jobs at Mary Kay or ItWorks or whatever. I don't have money to throw into that. I don't have money.
UGH MONEY. Truly, it is the root of all evil. If life would alllow, I would have a small shack by the shore and live off the sea and just disappear. There's still responsibility and structure in that kind of life. And time to focus on things that actually matter, like spending time with family and being healthy.
I just don't see how life will ever be as good as it was as a college student. All the access. All the independence. All the beautiful organization. My apartment.
Maybe the problem is, I've always dreamed of going to college. That excited me since I was 3 years old. But I never dreamed directly past that. I dreamed of the far future. What my kid(s) names would be, what my house would look like, the type of life I would end up with. Everything between now and then is a mystery! Maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe the near future I want just doesn't seem possible to me anymore. Or maybe I don't know what I want. I don't know. I am so confused.
And everyone keeps asking me when I will see them and what my plans are and when I am leaving Morgantown and honestly I HAVE NO IDEA. So when I tell you "I don't know, I will let you know when I do," that is sincere. I'm not going to lie and throw out a date that I will no doubt miss. I don't make promises I can't keep.
Anyway, that is my outlook on life. Seriously, the best part of graduating was getting to hug Dr. Jason Manning. I like writing his whole name out. It's sexy like he is. Lmao, I have issues. Anyway anyway, I guess where I go from here is anywhere and nowhere at all. Into the abyss!!
I wish I had more amazing things to tell you. But everything is on hold right now. I wanted to get an archaeology job, but all the ones I was qualified for listed having a driver's license as a requirement. So I can't do that right now, either.
I've looked into everything I can do productive-like. Nothing is feasible right now in these circumstances. Basically, I guess all I can do is keep on writing and playing guitar and singing and watching us all get older.
You can keep up with my blogs at Scattered Emoceans, Wellnesses, and The Telltale Bones. Follow me on Pinterest and Twitter @amdenardo. If you have any suggestions for blog content or you want to guest post, let me know.
Also, you can check out my music on SoundCloud. I have pages to like on Facebook, if you're into that kind of thing. I have some other digital projects cooking up, so if you are a Facebook friend or you look at my blogs and pages or whatever, I'm sure they will reach you somehow.
I guess to give you anything positive, I will just say I look forward to crabbing and fishing this summer. It's all I've thought about for a while now. And seeing the wildlife in Florida. That will be nice. And maybe I can find some kind of volunteer work to be a part of. I just feel like it's important for everyone to be working to make a difference, especially right now.
Other than that, I will see you on the flip side, bitchezz. (Sorry, had to end this professionally.)
Thank you for reading this blog!
Ashley Marie DeNardo
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