Funk.

So, I woke up with plenty of time and thought, hey, I have another hour of sleep I could get in so I went back to sleep. When I woke up, it was 11:20. I had missed Forensics and work was in ten minutes! I didn't have time to think, let alone get a shower, so I scrambled up what I needed for the day, threw on my work clothes, and skedaddled. I worked the hot line. It was fine, but I hadn't eaten anything and I'm there til 3:30 watching everyone else eat and eat and eat and I started getting dizzy and having a headache. Finally, I got off work so I got changed, clocked out, and ate some lunch. Somehow, I made it to my 4pm class on time. I got out at 6:30 and STILL didn't make it to the Victory Center when I wanted to! I friggin' got my dinner and dropped some shit off at home, and caught the damn stupid mothereffing bus and didn't get to the center until 8:30. It's like, the bus schedule says one thing, but really they just do whatever the hell they want. What a waste of my night it was! And I felt like an idiot and I just want to cry, but I'm in public so I just hold it in every time I feel it coming.

I feel like I'm getting into a funk. Part of it is definitely due to my lack of sleep and part of it is because I miss home. I love Williamson in the Fall. I love Lagoner's and the orchards and the smells and the smell of gasoline in my backyard as the boys go out to ride the dirt bikes and I'm swimming in the freezing pool. A lot of it is because I'm so lonely.

Humans suck. Why can't I just flip on a switch that puts me on auto-pilot, just to idle through everything? Accomplish what I need to and feel nothing unless it's good. Or, why can't I just read minds so I can know exactly what to say, exactly who to be. I spend so much time analyzing myself. Monitoring everything I say, the way I laugh, wondering if I laughed too long at something, wondering if this or that was stupid, always wondering and monitoring and thinking that everyone is laughing at me. And I consciously remind myself that no one cares, that they could be laughing at anyone. But, I'm so paranoid! All of the time. And so insecure! And maybe schizophrenic. Not so sure about that one. I just need to stop censoring myself. I feel like any contribution I have to any group setting or even friendly situation is dumb and unnecessary. I'm so afraid to feel rejected that I don't even give myself a chance to be accepted. I just stay neutral and invisible. I live in a dorm where not even the girl in the next room knows if I speak. They all probably think I'm a freak. But, there I go being paranoid again. Putting myself down like I do in my head every single day. Sometimes, I write shit down telling myself what not to do. I don't even want to get into how many lists I make. I thought after high school my compulsive list-making would come to an end, but it's only gotten worse. I can't sleep and I can't stop going over what each day's schedule will bring and planning the most efficient routes and UGH I'm just making everything harder than it needs to be and I can't stop.

Maybe I should go see a psycho doctor, but I'm too good for that. Right.

I'm not trying to complain. I just want anyone to know how much of a struggle it is for my brain to be the way it is so if I do something weird or I get mad at you for no reason, you know it's not your fault. One second I'll be fine, the next not so much. I'm working on it, but it's really hard to control. It's like I give up being me for a moment and everything just feels angry. I don't know what to do, but I'm going to shut up now before someone shows this to Dr. Phil.